Originally written by Everett True · 17 December 2008
Christmas songs are all rubbish, right? Wrong. Everett True has managed to find a whopping 30, and presents his findings as a handy double CD sized extravaganza right after this dotted line...
• Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians Of The British Empire 'Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree' (2007) Sparkling wit from the Chatham poet (and a killer riff): "My father walked in pissed through the door/And chucked the telly across the floor/Then he fell drunk to his bed/And these were the last words that he ever said/'MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL'" (YouTube)
• The Long Blondes 'Christmas Is Cancelled' (2004) This is the song that caused me to fall for The Long Blondes – literate, bitter, smart, laden with festive sneer (ho, ho) and fuming one-liners. "You know what you did wrong last Christmas/Christmas is cancelled this year"
• Carlene Davis & Trinity 'Santa Claus (Do You Ever Come To The Ghetto)' (1981) An aching plea for the symbol of prosperous Yuletide to be a little more equalitarian with his giving.
• The Roots 'Millie Pulled A Pistol On Santa' (1996) Just another day in the ghetto.
• Rocket 455 'Santa Ain't Coming For Christmas' (2002) Bunch of screaming children team up with prime Detroit punk-blues band to voice their distaste at the man in red and white.
• Bantam Rooster 'Let's Just Fuck For Christmas' (1996) The Rooster get straight down to business.
• Tom Lehrer 'A Christmas Carol' (1953) America's funniest Harvard lecturer turns his withering glance upon the shopping season. (YouTube)
• Snoop Doggy Dogg 'Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto' (1996) Rap does Christmas better than most other genres – something about juxtaposition, I suspect.- - -
• The Beakers 'Christmas Letter From Home' (1980) Nice slice of demented Seattle no wave back from whenever.
• James Brown 'Santa Claus, Santa Claus' (1964) The Godfather Of Soul testifies. We should be thankful that every kid don't holler like this. (YouTube)
• Beat Happening 'Christmas' (1985) Calvin [Johnson, Beat Happening singer/guitarist] shakes his tush in disgust.
• Otis Redding 'White Christmas' (1967) Wait... how did this one sneak in here? Unutterably gorgeous.
• The Bobby McGee's 'Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart And The Very Next Day You Sold It On Ebay' (2007) Actually, this is absolutely appalling – but it has considerable irritation value.
• Manic Street Preachers 'Last Christmas' (TFI Friday 1996) The original is way better, but this is way funnier. I'm not sure that’s the intention.- - -
• The Fall 'No Christmas For John Quays' (1979) Inspirational polemic from the Salford poet, detailing youthful disdain for "john-quays".
• Jinx Lennon 'Don't Lose A Stone For Christmas' (2003) A heartfelt anti-weight watching diatribe from the Irish antifolk icon.
• Sonic Youth 'Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope' (1996) It's like Thurston revisiting all those seminal Beatles Christmas fan club singles – um, in his own inimitable way.
• Misty's Big Adventure 'Have Yourself A Psychedelic Christmas' (2005) The great forgotten Birmingham band – following the lineage of Julian Cope and The Specials.
• The Research 'For Christmas I Got Pityriasis Rosea' (2006) It's always nice to be surprised.
• Sportique 'A Little Splash Of Lime' (2002) Well, Christmas is all about how paralytic you can get in the shortest space of time, right? From London's finest post-Wire outfit.
• Hotpants Romance 'All I Want From Christmas Is You' (2008) The Carla Thomas version has a little more elegance – perhaps – but this raw-assed all-girl reading has more oomph.
• The Blue Minkies 'Christmas Means Nothing Without Presents' (2004) Just as raw as the Hotpants, Brighton's own Blue Minkies sing it like it is.
• Low 'Blue Christmas' (1999) Absolutely my favourite Low moment: absolutely. It's got a tune!
• Elvis Presley 'Blue Christmas' (1957) Yeah, it's Elvis - so sue me. (YouTube)
• Tom Waits 'Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis' (1957) Um, Christmas ain't Christmas without Tom Waits. (YouTube)
• Dexys Midnight Runners 'Merry Christmas Everybody' (1983) Go Kevin, go!- - -
• Joey Ramone 'Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight) (Revised)' (2001) This originally came out on a promotional two track CD (backing 'What A Wonderful World') from Joey's very final album – so poignant. (YouTube - original Ramones version)
• Joseph Spence 'Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town' (1980) Bahamian guitarist who makes Tom Waits sound like that dickhead from Coldplay. (YouTube)
• Jack White 'Christmas Time Will Soon Be Over' (2003) From the film Cold Mountain, a zillion times better than that piece of crap in the new Bond.
• Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians Of The British Empire 'Ho Ho' (2007) Leave it to Billy to round proceedings off with a dollop of rocking cheer.