Originally written by Raziq Rauf · 26 May 2002
Goalkeepers
David Seaman A development of arthritis is a distinct possibility. Heart attacks in men of his age are not uncommon.
Nigel Martyn Seaman’s understudy may also be prone to similar complaints as he is but 3 years his junior.
David James Despite his youth, he is clumsy and his last injury involved a collision with his own defender resulting in a 3 month lay off. Expect more of the same.
Defenders
Wayne Bridge A youngster with little injury history – unpredictable…anything could happen. He’ll collapse due to heat exhaustion, probably.
Wes Brown Missed a few games this season due to a knee injury. Knees are funny old things. It’ll explode, or something.
Sol Campbell This season he’s mainly been busy injuring his ankle and being a fat fucker. Lightning pace may not be the main component of his World Cup.
Ashley Cole Suffered a similar fate to Brown this season. That knee’s going to go I tell you.
Rio Ferdinand A similar fate to Bridge may be suffered. It’s pretty muggy out there.
Martin Keown Just recovered from a broken leg, he is the most likely to collide with keeper James thus incurring a freshly broken leg. It is likely to be the same leg.
Danny Mills He’ll get sent off for kneecapping someone - probably the referee. He’ll get a lifetime ban. Probably a jail sentence, too.
Gary Neville Already ruled out with a broken metatarsal. Gutted.
Gareth Southgate He'll see someone miss a penalty and fall into a deep, long-term depression.
Midfielders
David Beckham That £50m metatarsal will shatter during the first tackle ruling him out of football for an entire season. I see a pattern emerging concerning broken feet.
Nicky Butt Struggling with a knee injury, currently. Recurrence is a strong possibility.
Joe Cole The switch from East London to East Asia proves too much for the youngster and he needs to go home because he misses his jellied eels.
Kieron Dyer Currently struggling with a knee ligament injury, he will attempt to use his pace and rupture it beyond all recognition.
Steven Gerrard Already ruled out with a groin strain and a back strain. Oh, have you got a headache as well, petal?
Owen Hargreaves The Canadian Englishman playing in Germany will have an identity crisis and will think he is meant to be playing for France and won the World Cup last time.
Danny Murphy Out with a chipped metatarsal. What is this? A fucking conspiracy?
Paul Scholes Upon the event of losing a game, Scholes will suddenly realise that his entire season has been a disappointment and he will just give up and go home.
Trevor Sinclair He’ll probably go AWOL when he discovers he really is in the squad this time.
Strikers
Robbie Fowler He’ll have the mother of all nosebleeds and that fancy plaster won’t be able to help him then, will it!
Emile Heskey Has been known to suffer hamstring injuries. So a slight strain might develop into something a bit more sinister, perhaps.
Michael Owen His hamstring will fall off. He won’t be able to find it.
Teddy Sheringham Maybe they can do a 3 for the price of 2 on zimmer frames as he joins the keepers.
Darius Vassell Heat exhaustion is the only probable cause for incapacitation.
The Manager
Sven-Goran Erikkson The Swede will sabotage our first match against his homeland by playing David James and Nigel Martyn up front and Sol Campbell in goal. Then he’ll quit. And laugh at us.
So with the sweltering heat being a major factor on European blood, many of the younger players just might not be able to hack it. Or maybe they will be the ones to come out this tournament with nothing…no trophy, no injuries, no nothing.